What i need..

I need a change. What change i couldn't begin to tell you. Well, actually i think i have an idea of what i need to happen. I'm such a coward content with what i do not want, and longing for what i am unwilling to have. If the first step in achievement is choosing to win then i have already lost. I don't choose, i settle, and complain, and regret the path not taken. I'm still stuck trying to please and be the good guy when all i want to be bad. I recently started this thing with a girl that i feel stuck in because I'm unwilling to tell the truth. And the truth is i don't like her in that way. If the truth sets you free then denial is my prison, and I've been locked up for 10 years. If who we are are the choices we make then who i am is a coward, afraid to say what's so, and deal with the reality of what is so. I am the cowardly lion on a quest not for the wizard, but a quest to stay small. What does it take to be bigger than i am? What do i have to give? Who do i have to be?

What i need....

Guts
Pride
Power
Respect of self
Honor
Integrity
Faith
Money
Fame
Talent
Skill
Intent
Purpose
Love
Conviction
Discipline
Courage
Loyalty

Hero complex

In life we all go through moments in which we see something that the moment before we didn't see, but understand that it has always been there controlling the outcome. These "blind spots" are like roots that control and guide the tree the world sees. The other day a buddy of mine Brandon came up to Philly from DC for Thanksgiving (Happy Thanks by the way). We got to talking about me. Or rather what has me feel like I'm still in the same place in life despite the huge strides forward I've made. I won't go into details of what was discovered but saw that i have what believe to be a "Hero Complex". I have this need to protect people namely women form well everything. So much so that i many times enable bad behavior because to me a hero is the eternal "nice guy". The Superman a boy scout who smiles and is accommodating and ultimately an enabler. It even goes so far as to have a direct affect on my life, and it isn't a go affect. The need to protect goes so far that i unknowingly hinder myself or hold myself back so I'm available to the people I'm protecting. My life is stunted because i need to be the "Hero". Hero's are overrated. This world has no power, no choice all that is here is resentment and codependency. Life lived trying to be a hero ultimately has you become a victim. You are trapped in the ideal of heroism, but you do not live life as a hero. Heroes choose, they are nice, or they are mean, they yell, or they cry, true heroes know that in order to be a hero you must be willing to take on some characteristics of being a villain. So I'm moving on free, I'm neither a hero, nor a villain i am just.....