What i need..

I need a change. What change i couldn't begin to tell you. Well, actually i think i have an idea of what i need to happen. I'm such a coward content with what i do not want, and longing for what i am unwilling to have. If the first step in achievement is choosing to win then i have already lost. I don't choose, i settle, and complain, and regret the path not taken. I'm still stuck trying to please and be the good guy when all i want to be bad. I recently started this thing with a girl that i feel stuck in because I'm unwilling to tell the truth. And the truth is i don't like her in that way. If the truth sets you free then denial is my prison, and I've been locked up for 10 years. If who we are are the choices we make then who i am is a coward, afraid to say what's so, and deal with the reality of what is so. I am the cowardly lion on a quest not for the wizard, but a quest to stay small. What does it take to be bigger than i am? What do i have to give? Who do i have to be?

What i need....

Guts
Pride
Power
Respect of self
Honor
Integrity
Faith
Money
Fame
Talent
Skill
Intent
Purpose
Love
Conviction
Discipline
Courage
Loyalty

Hero complex

In life we all go through moments in which we see something that the moment before we didn't see, but understand that it has always been there controlling the outcome. These "blind spots" are like roots that control and guide the tree the world sees. The other day a buddy of mine Brandon came up to Philly from DC for Thanksgiving (Happy Thanks by the way). We got to talking about me. Or rather what has me feel like I'm still in the same place in life despite the huge strides forward I've made. I won't go into details of what was discovered but saw that i have what believe to be a "Hero Complex". I have this need to protect people namely women form well everything. So much so that i many times enable bad behavior because to me a hero is the eternal "nice guy". The Superman a boy scout who smiles and is accommodating and ultimately an enabler. It even goes so far as to have a direct affect on my life, and it isn't a go affect. The need to protect goes so far that i unknowingly hinder myself or hold myself back so I'm available to the people I'm protecting. My life is stunted because i need to be the "Hero". Hero's are overrated. This world has no power, no choice all that is here is resentment and codependency. Life lived trying to be a hero ultimately has you become a victim. You are trapped in the ideal of heroism, but you do not live life as a hero. Heroes choose, they are nice, or they are mean, they yell, or they cry, true heroes know that in order to be a hero you must be willing to take on some characteristics of being a villain. So I'm moving on free, I'm neither a hero, nor a villain i am just.....

Ok

Ok so maybe you guys are right about what i posted. Maybe it is a little to much on the seedy side, but i mean i do want the girl of my dreams to be attractive. Is that really so wrong? I', not taking the post down but i am recreating a new vision blog on love. Keep your eyes open form that.

There's a song by Radiohead that i can't get outta mine. It's called "High and Dry" yoyu guys should check it out. I think it has meaning for me.

Confronted

I wrote a blog a few days ago on what i called a vision blog. I wrote out in somewhat detail what i would like, or what i want in a partner. And to my surprise it hasn't been well received. Some say that it's very superficial only glimpsing the surface of what people (guys) should want in a woman. Maybe it is hell it is. And so what is it is. Why are people so concerned with the surface or rather concerned with my being concerned with the surface. I was told by a friend that if they had created a vision blog they'd put pictures of iconic leaders of the world. But really give me a fucking break. A vision blog is about what you want not what you believe you should want. It's not about what looks good to other people, it's about what make your heart melt. So judge me all you want. Accuse me of being like every other guy, the truth is i am. I have a penis and it grows and gets excited for a beautiful female form. I am a guy and i do not apologize for it. But there is a difference in me though. Most guys don't believe beauty and brains, and heart can come in one divine human being. I on the other hand do. I can have it all, i want it all, and i choose it all. So if you don't like it tough in the end i answer to myself and God. The vision blog stays.

Joy and Misery

It's a cold war and the kids are playing games of blood and dishonor. The eve of tomorrow sets and the sun rests for the day. We see ourselves burning from being cold with no one holding us. I look out into the sea of people swimming and drowning peacefully. I yell out and ask God come and save, but nothing happens. We were born, we are here, we care for things, and nothing for people. We share souls of misery and hold joy to ourselves, so selfishly we are despicable. I wish i had a light to see true faces. They are all hidden behind a mask of "I'm OK". But nothing is and will ever be until we share our joy and not our misery.

Poem by
Ken O

The thing is...

The thing is.......life has a very funny way of showing or rather playing it's cards. I imagine that life is a player in a poker game with myself on the other side. It's Vegas maybe or less glam side Atlantic City. The dealer deals we get out cards and the game is on. Who wins really? I guess in the end life does, and we lose. But ultimately isn't the fun of playing the game....actually playing the game? Isn't it all just one big gamble? And when our hand is down we say well what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Wrong, it follows us through it all. The bad hands, the cheats, even the wins. I've never really played poker, not much of a gambler i guess. Thing is i know enough of the game to get by, but never enough to truly enjoy the ride. Thus is the story of my life enough to keep my head above water, but never enough to truly swim. So if the waters turn and the winds change and the sea gets to rumbling chances are I'll drown knowing just enough to get by.

Vision Board

This is a little description of what a vision board is.